Five years ago I was 15.

I was sickening self-righteous yet filled with self-loathing perhaps because I knew of my own self-righteousness.

I was totally infatuated with Matthew Price.

I was determined to be holy and pure and perfect and rise above the fold.

I only knew 2 "bad" words.

I had never had chicken pox.

Who will I be 5 years from now?

Today I realized something. When I was younger the whole entire world was divided into three groups of people.

1. Those who were going to burn in hell forever.

2. Carnal Christians who needed to get right with God.

3. Christians like our family who were righteous and most certainly right with God.

That has changed.

Now I just see people. I see people I like and people I don't like but who others do. I see people I love and people I don't know and people I'd like to know. I see relationships and potential relationships. I see my favorite person. I see all these people and they are just people who are trying to make it best as possible and struggling and pretending to be strong and cool but really scared as hell.

So I'm here again. The very place I said I wasn't going to be spending any time at this semester.

When did my life start diving itself by semesters? When did Christmas turn into this thing that I just want to end?

I've fallen into a pattern. Work, sleep, work, sleep, work. I worked open to close on Sunday. Voluntarily. What is wrong with me?

When Jon and Makala are working I lay on my couch watching movie after movie and playing Nintendo games and drinking and eating icecream and sandwhiches.

Then they come home and Bethany and Matt come over and I can cook for my makeshift family because then I feel needed and helpful.

Jaclyn and I have had long discussions lately. She's made me promise to go to the doctor and get on anti-depressants.

Anti-depressants.

Everyone except her says I don't need them. That's because they all see the me that gets dressed and goes out in public and acts like I'm suppose to.

She talks to me in the wee hours of the morning and in the afternoons and in the evenings when all I can do is curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry.

I feel so much pain that I just feel like maybe I could cut something off and then all the pain would pour out of my body and leave the happiness. Because there is happiness.

Going to Walmart at 3 am with Makala.

Taking my little sisters to the movies.

Getting promoted.

Playing games with Jon's family.

Eating icecream.

Getting random presents from Jon. Yesterday he brought me the Fall Out Boy cd because Spargo lost mine back in the summer and I mentioned that I wanted it.

That is what everyone sees.

Jaclyn sees my hatred, my loathing, my pure unadulterated anger at my parents. She sees me when I have cried all I can cry and all that's left is to lay in silence and moan in anguish.

Dude.

King Kong.

Worst. Movie. Ever.

Like over 3 hours of BIG MONKEY. Trees. Jack Black. BIG MONKEY. Girl. Trees. Big Animals. BIG MONKEY. Trees. Running. Jack Black. Girl. Trees. Trees. Big Worms with Teeth..Wait. WHAT THE FUCK?? BIG MONKEY! WHAT?

And I'm in my cultural anthropology online orientation lab thingie. She's talking but.....ah. whatever. I'm sure I don't need to know about the first assignment......

I'm moved. Not everything the important stuff is there and my crap is everywhere so it feels like home. I went grocery shopping last night which was weird. All of a sudden real food is a priority and not all those snacks I use to bug my mom to buy.

I got up today and since it is our day off Kala and I made cinnamon rolls and Jon came over and we played Mario Brothers. I'm talking Nintendo. I'm talking old school.

I need the internet in my home though. Bad.